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Jewish Masturbation

Masturbation and the Jewish Religion

I imagine God to be an older man with a long beard, not unlike our Rabbi. Of course, I know that’s not logical. I have no idea what God really looks like. But all of that is beside the point.

I often ask God for guidance, and I’m pretty sure that’s what I’ve been getting. He speaks to me most clearly when I masturbate. So, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll ponder a decision as I get naked and jerk off.

If the decision I’m trying to make is wrong, it takes me a long time to cum. If it’s a really bad decision, I can’t manage an orgasm at all. If I’m on the right track, I ejaculate right away.

That, to the best of my knowledge, is God speaking to me. Recently, before starting a wank session, I asked God the obvious question: Is wanking a good thing? Because, I’ve heard all sides to that story. I was tending to believe it’s just fine, but you hear everything from it reduces your strength to you can grow hair on your palms. On the other side of the coin, I saw a website ( that listed 18 benefits of masturbation from better socialization to reduced blood pressure.

So I asked God, and I came right away. Pushing my luck to the extreme, I then asked, “Should I become a spokesman for this idea?” I mean, should I advocate masturbation, since it is good for people?

I had just ejaculated, so the likelihood of getting a positive answer was greatly reduced. Yet, oddly, I stayed hard, and did indeed ejaculate a second time, something that’s very rare for me. Perhaps it helped that I was thinking about Esther Feldman, the sexiest girl in the whole temple.

I had a calling! I was to become an advocate for masturbation! Toward the end of high school, I was trying very hard to figure out what to study. Now I knew. I’d study psychology, and become a psychologist specializing in sexuality, and from that platform I could push masturbation. It was a great relief knowing the direction my future was to take. I wasn’t the least worried about my decision. After all, God spoke to me quite clearly.

After Hebrew school one afternoon, I had a chance to speak with Rabbi. He’s a great man, but he always has time to listen. I told him about the whole thing – that my calling was to be a masturbation advocate, how God spoke to me through masturbation, and so on.

I was a bit embarrassed to bring that all up, but my parents, and the rabbi, have taught me to be honest, and to speak my mind when appropriate.

I think Rabbi Horowitz smiled a bit, but he quickly moved his sleeve to his beard, so I couldn’t see. He then told me,

“Jacob, you are a great thinker, and should be admired for it. Whatever career path you choose will be right for you. The one thing I’d recommend is to give serious thought to this idea of being a masturbation advocate. There are people in our society, and I mean wider than the Jewish community. I mean, in the whole world, there are some people who are violently opposed to masturbation. It’s crazy, I know, but these people exist, and they could hurt you. They could damage your reputation, maybe even cause physical harm.”

That’s all he said. So, now, I’m in law school. Someone else is going to have to tackle the masturbation issue.

1 thought on “Jewish Masturbation

  1. I’m pretty sure this person’s view is not typical of the Jewish population, but it is a fun story!

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