I’ve never felt like I was fully a man. There was no doubt about it
physically and I was always interested in my body and in masturbation. But
while I loved women, I never had that desperate need that so many men have;
in fact, I was seldom able to perform adequately with a woman, no matter how
much I loved her. And while I’ve always had a strong feminine side, and
have dressed essentially androgynously (jeans, shorts, t-shirts/tank tops,
sandals, and I love wearing short men’s skirts), that was the extent of it.
Complicating this was serious PTSD from being sexually abused at a very
young age by my grandfather. I’ve slowly recovered vague memories of him
having me be his “naked slave”, a pattern of behavior that resurfaced after
the divorce from my first wife, and which I adopted completely – the idea
that because I could not perform with women I had to become a slave to the
Goddess and serve her through naked service to women. There’s nothing wrong
with that if it’s sincere. The article “Slave Michael” here on
Sex270.com is about my life when I was seeing myself as a slave.
Then I caught Covid, which was mild, followed by long Covid, which laid me
low. I was bedridden for weeks, with a slow recovery to follow. It
affected my brain and my thinking, and as I came back to life I realized
that the PTSD and slavery had vanished. While I still love to be and be
seen naked, the urge to submit myself to a subservient relationship was
gone.
While I was sick I got acquainted with current thinking about gender
identity, and soon realized that, in modern terms, I am nonbinary. I
strongly identify physically as male, but sexually I’m female. This is why
my sexual relations were not successful – I was supposed to be the one
getting fucked. I realized I had lost all interest in having sex with
women. Like most men, I’ve experimented with anal sex and liked it OK.
Alright, more than OK when it came to wearing a butt plug and the few
occasions when a woman used a dildo on me. But the thought of being fucked
by a man was anathema to me. I obtained a dildo which is almost exactly like
my own penis but two inches longer, and using it on myself turned out to be a
delight, so much so that I began collecting photos of attractive penises from
the Internet, having prints made of the best ones, and fantasizing about them
being used on me.
Oddly enough, though, I still have absolutely no actual
sexual interest in other men – I just want to be fucked by a beautiful penis.
It was a revelation to find that there was very little actually sexual about
being fucked, but I love not only how it feels but also the idea of having
to allow my body to be penetrated and used for someone else’s pleasure, for
as long as he wants to. But the pandemic, and then monkeypox, make it all
too obvious that it’s way too risky to be meeting people I don’t know well
and allowing them to use my body these days.
I’ve lived for years as a smooth (shaved) nudist full time at home, and
sometimes when visiting friends. My useless-for-sexual-relations genitals
are not just visible all the time, the lack of pubic hair puts them on
display. It’s impossible for me to ignore them. The realization that they
can only be used for masturbation now has freed me to see them in a
different light: that’s what they’re for, and there’s no shame or guilt in
it, any more than using my legs to walk around, because it’s no longer about
sex in the traditional sense. I don’t do it because I feel deprived or
sneaky, I do it because it brings me pure, unadulterated joy. And honestly,
is there anything more beautiful than a big erection?
Things I think about when I masturbate:
* Having my anus exposed and available all the time
* Going out in a skirt and getting fucked
* Having friends who come to my house and fuck me sometimes
* The first time I get fucked being videoed and posted online
* Living as a roommate with a man, on the condition that I live naked all the time and he can fuck me
* There are lots of photos on the Internet, most on Wikimedia, of me naked that get lots of views and that I can’t take down, and I think about people looking at those and seeing me the way I actually live.
* People seeing my naked pictures on the Internet and thinking about me getting fucked
* Also people looking at pictures of my bare feet on the Internet
* Always being naked and shaved with my genitals on display
* Everyone knowing my genitals will never again be used for sex with another person, and that they are only for viewing and masturbation
* People reading this article
I don’t masturbate with the goal of ejaculating, quite the opposite. I’m a
tantric edger, getting high on sexual energy, and prolonging the high for as
long as possible. In that respect, masturbation is sacred, since tanra is
one of the seven yogas, on a par with the hatha yoga practiced by many.
There is a spiritual element to the high that elevates the spirit and lasts
afterwards. In the interest of keeping the plumbing healthy, I do
occasionally cum, and it’s a rare treat when I do.
Sometimes I will take yohimbe, an herb which acts a lot like Viagra, and
spend hours enjoying the extended state of arousal. It also makes my body
look sexier to me, especially being shaved. I wish I could feel like that
all the time, but the herb has side effects that make it impractical for me
to use it too often. The new freedom I feel about masturbating means
promoting and dedicating time to it no longer carries any stigma. After
all, how is it any worse a thing to do than to self-indulge watching
football and drinking beer all day? And I wind up feeling fulfilled, not
drunk.
I should add that I never masturbate around others unless it’s part of the
context of a situation. Similarly, if a visitor is not comfortable with
nudity, I wear clothes in their presence. I get no pleasure from someone
else’s discomfort. I do often regret that necessity, since it’s all about
pleasure and joy, but members of this society are conditioned from early in
life to be ashamed of their bodies, and to fear being in the presence of
nudity. I would love for masturbation to be widely viewed as I view it, a
personal activity that’s good for physical and mental health, and not one
more thing to feel inhibited and guilty about. Maybe someday we’ll get
there.
