I learned to masturbate when I was 13. By the age of 14 I was doing it regularly, on average sixteen times a day. My parents took exception to my hobby so they sent me to military school. Big mistake. Not unlike sending a criminal to jail, all that happened is I learned more about masturbation, especially mutual masturbation, from the other kids there.
The kids all appreciated my big cock. When soft, it is approximately nine inches in length. Hard, it’s closer to 30 inches. Oh, that’s measuring from the tip, all the way down to the base where it meets the top of my stomach. It has always been hard to buy pants that fit right. Come to think of it, it has always been hard.
Regarding finding pants, I finally said “fuck it” and have quit wearing pants, or anything, altogether. Sure, the guys at work think it’s strange, but they’ve learned to deal with it. Oh work, yes, I’m the US ambassador to Uzikrany.
As a politician, I do have to shake hands a lot, and it’s true, some of the people are geeked out by my hairy palms. It doesn’t matter though. I can’t see their expressions because I’m going blind.