By Michael Lowe Wright
Originally published on MichaelLoweWright.com/opn/SexToys.html/a>
The following is kind of raw and honest about some very personal stuff. It may be too much information for some visitors; if that’s you, or if you’re under legal age, you really should go read something else instead.
One of my hobbies/interests is exploring the use of sex toys for personal growth. I was reviewing adult toy items on Amazon and realized there is stigma around admitting to using them for sexual pleasure. Lots of people don’t have a human partner, and for those who don’t sex toys are absolutely essential for personal recreation and release of tension. No one should feel shame and be unable to talk about enjoying their own sexuality.
So I wrote this. I’m really exposing myself here, so to speak, and I want to talk freely about my use of sex toys, no matter how embarrassed I may feel sometimes about it being out there for everyone to read. If one person feels better about themselves, or less burdened by guilt, or less afraid to use sex toys, then I’m OK with it.
I’ve lived alone and without any serious relationships for a long time; that’s not what I’d have chosen for myself but it’s the hand I’ve been dealt, and for the most part I’m content with it. I’m blessed to have known true love more than once in my life, and not so blessed to find that I’m incapable of being a good partner – in large part because, as it turns out, I am and always have been nonbinary/gender fluid. One compensation is that I’m able to explore my sexual nature deeply without concern that I’m being selfish. For this reason, sex “toys” are, for me, tools to aid in that exploration. As many have before me, going back into the dim reaches of human existence, I’ve learned that sexual energy and consciousness can lead a person into not only ecstasy but also useful knowledge about their “spirit body” (that virtual us where stomach butterflies live) and from there into self-knowledge, peace of mind, and healing past trauma. For me, as a poet and an observer of life in general, these experiences give insight and inspiration unavailable elsewhere.
So please understand that what I talk about here may not be useful to couples seeking some bedroom fun advice – I’m doing this to share what I’ve learned and the experiences I continue to have because I think not only do they have value in their own right but also because they shed light on the roots of some of my creativity and motivation.
When I recently saw several women comment online that all men should wear a chastity cage routinely, I realized that was something I needed to try, so I could understand what they were talking about. I bought one from Amazon and was amazed at how comfortable it is to wear. That’s how it came to be one of the two “toys” that have become vital parts of my life. I reviewed the one I bought at Amazon and pretty much said it all there, but wait! there’s more. That one rusted and I had to buy an otherwise-identical stainless steel one to replace it. [Because of a constriction in my urethra, I’m still unable to insert the matching catheter so that’s going to have to wait for another day. I’m fascinated by the idea of my maleness being (temporarily) so completely shut down: caged, intubated, and unable to move or respond to anything – but to be honest it’s also kind of terrifying.] I’ve learned to get the ring on and off fairly quickly now but I had to do it a few times first – one doesn’t want to squish the tender parts!
Since I’m always naked at home*, it’s very strange to suddenly have an implacable, heavy metal cage clamped and locked onto my crotch in full view; it’s humiliating to be seen wearing it and to always have it there in my lap drawing attention. On the positive side, since it can’t be ignored I have opportunities to talk about why I’m wearing it. I also want to be transparent about wearing the cage when I’m in public, so any time I do I lock a chain around my left ankle as a signal to anyone who knows.
For me the value of the chastity cage lies in its ability to completely subvert my lifelong privilege and expectation of being able to interact with my male organ – it’s locked in a cage that in turn is clamped onto my scrotum. It’s not only that I can’t touch or play with myself, my most private area has been taken over by a piece of unyielding and uncaring metal; and it’s there all the time. These devices don’t keep you from feeling aroused, they only keep you from doing anything about it. That energy has to go somewhere, and I use controlled yoga breathing and guided imagery to direct it towards healing both body and soul. I enter states of bliss and ecstasy that leave me feeling energized and cleansed. That energy remains in my body for some time after, enabling further meditation and healing later.
Wearing it transforms my daily life, too. The only time I’m not conscious of being caged is when I’m asleep. I’m always aware at some level of the unrelenting pressure of the ring around my scrotum and the weight of the metal. All this together creates a sense of unreality in contrast with the “normal” times when I’m not wearing it, and a heightened level of awareness and sensitivity – again firing my creative energies.
Currently I’m experimenting with wearing a ‘collar’ that consists of only the base ring of a chastity cage. It’s still locked onto the big ring as securely but most of my penis is exposed, yet still restrained by the ‘collar’. This eliminates the issue of difficulty urinating cleanly and makes keeping the device clean a lot easier, while not really allowing me to otherwise use my penis. In some ways it’s more challenging to wear than the full cage – it’s possible to have an erection but it becomes engorged and uncomfortable; I can touch and hold it but I can’t masturbate. It’s possible I’ll be wearing this a lot more than the full cage.
The other thing I’ve done is to bend the pins slightly on the attachments so that they snap into place on the big ring and will stay put without a lock. It makes cleaning and swapping attachments much easier.
Chastity Cages Available on Amazon
Like many men, I’ve always enjoyed anal play but was ashamed to admit it until I acknowledged that I’m nonbinary/gender fluid. Then I realized that not only is there no shame but that I was really wanting it. So I bought a lifelike dildo from Amazon (see my review) a couple of years ago. It’s identical to my own organ but two inches longer. It’s a good fit, feels quite natural and good, and now I don’t know how I lived without it. If the number of people who ‘liked’ my review is any indication, I’m far from the only person enjoying this wonderful fake penis. It wasn’t until I had it filling me and, in a sense, having its way with me that I began to fully understand the mind-altering experience and joy of submission. Since I’m always naked, having it inside me can and does happen on a moment’s notice.
It’s the combination of the chastity cage and the dildo that really takes things to another level, though. I’ve worn the cage for up to three weeks at a time, and during that time I’ve had no physical outlet for sexual energy. Adding a good fucking with the dildo – and getting fucked is very different from the masturbation I’ve always had available to me – takes me to places of ecstasy and delight like nothing I’ve ever known. I should add that, as you can see from the photo above of me naked wearing the cage, getting fucked while wearing it can happen very easily and at any time – and does. (I say ‘fucked’ because this is no sterile application of a tool, it’s an active engagement with a realistic human penis.) That feeling of perpetual vulnerability to their imminent use is one of the best things to come out of my adventures with these sex ‘toys’ – knowing that I can be thrown into a state of heightened awareness at the drop of a hat.
I’ve been wanting a second dildo without the fake scrotum at the base, and recently Amazon had one for four dollars, so I bought it. I wanted to be able to leave it in place and wear it for a short while occasionally. This one is effectively a bit shorter and the glans is smaller than my other one so it’s not as much fun to use but should be fine for just wearing it.
Anal intercourse can, of course, be somewhat messy. It helps to eat a high-fiber diet and have regular movements, which increases the likelihood of the bowel being empty. When in doubt I use a glyerine suppository that generally cleans things out within about an hour. The result is that there is usually no or almost no mess involved. Nobody likes to think about this aspect but it’s easily enough to discourage someone from pursuing an otherwise delightful pleasure, so it’s worth the effort to prepare. I usually try to be prepped by early afternoon so there’s almost no delay between deciding to use the dildo and having it in place.
Dildos available on Amazon
Most of my life I thought of myself as a cis male, albeit a dysfunctional one, with a strong female side. Now that I understand I’m really neither simply male or female internally, I’ve realized my female side has been pushed down and not allowed full expression. The chastity cage prevents me from masturbating but I can still press on the glans and create sexual sensations, making it function more like a clitoris. Add to that having to be fucked to replace the masturbation and I find my female side is loving it. I’ve committed myself to letting “her” take control of my body and my life; I want to dress in short skirts and tank tops, wear simple jewelry, feel attractive, and have men wanting to fuck me – and doing it. At my age I don’t feel like much of a catch but just going fully into that space for a while heals my soul – I have a lot of years to make up for. I’m not killing off my male side here, only expanding the range of my experience and gaining more insight into what it means to be a human being. It’s all material for the poet and philosopher in me.
Here’s some poetry that grew out of these experiences:
*I have a binding commitment to live clothes-free as much as possible, and I’m always naked at home in warm weather.